Total Budget Request: £1,847,500
Expected Return on Investment: -£1,847,500 (plus immeasurable reputational damage)
Strategic Objective: Appeal Chief Magistrate's dismissal of terrorism charges against Irish language artist, thereby demonstrating institutional commitment to being demonstrably wrong with confidence.
Success Metrics: Proceeding regardless of outcome. Win or lose, we prove our point (that we're willing to waste money proving our point).
| Line Item | Justification | Amount (£) |
|---|---|---|
| Senior Counsel Fees | Arguing the indefensible requires premium talent | 125,000 |
| Junior Counsel Fees | Someone needs to take notes while we lose | 45,000 |
| Legal Research | Finding precedents that don't support us | 28,000 |
| Expert Witnesses | Experts willing to disagree with Chief Magistrate (hard to find) | 75,000 |
| Court Fees & Admin | Processing fee for institutional embarrassment | 12,500 |
| SUBTOTAL - Legal Costs | 285,500 | |
| Line Item | Justification | Amount (£) |
|---|---|---|
| Crisis Communications Team | 24/7 monitoring of how badly this is going | 95,000 |
| Media Training | Teaching staff how to defend the indefensible | 35,000 |
| Press Release Distribution | Ensuring maximum distribution of our humiliation | 8,500 |
| Social Media Monitoring | Watching ourselves trend for wrong reasons | 22,000 |
| International Embarrassment Mitigation | Attempting to explain ourselves to world (futile) | 250,000 |
| Damage Control Consultants | External advisors to tell us what we won't listen to | 180,000 |
| SUBTOTAL - Communications | 590,500 | |
| Line Item | Justification | Amount (£) |
|---|---|---|
| External Stakeholder Consultation | £0 - We don't consult people who disagree | 0 |
| Irish Government Liaison | Ignoring diplomatic correspondence (no cost) | 0 |
| Internal Consultation (Ourselves) | Extensive meetings where we agree with ourselves | 45,000 |
| Dismissing Expert Legal Opinion | Free - comes naturally | 0 |
| Common Sense Exclusion Protocols | Maintaining systems to prevent rational input | 0 |
| SUBTOTAL - Stakeholder Management | 45,000 | |
| Line Item | Justification | Amount (£) |
|---|---|---|
| Making Kneecap Famous | Free publicity transforming defendant into cultural icon | 500,000 |
| Note: This represents estimated value of publicity we're providing. Tour revenue increase, album sales, international recognition - all courtesy of CPS prosecution. | ||
| Validating Irish Republican Narrative | Proving their point about British establishment overreach | 150,000 |
| Undermining Future CPS Credibility | Long-term institutional damage (amortized) | 75,000 |
| Judicial Relations Damage | Attacking Chief Magistrate - future relationship costs | 85,000 |
| SUBTOTAL - Unintended Consequences | 810,000 | |
| Line Item | Justification | Amount (£) |
|---|---|---|
| Staff Morale Destruction | Counseling services for embarrassed employees | 45,000 |
| Retention Bonuses | Keeping staff who'd rather work anywhere else | 65,000 |
| Recruitment (Replacing Departures) | Hiring people willing to be associated with this | 55,000 |
| Emergency Ulster Irish Speaker | Hiring someone from community we're prosecuting to help us prosecute them | 65,000 |
| Note: Irony of hiring Irish speaker to assist in prosecution of Irish speaker not lost on budget committee, but proceeding anyway. | ||
| HR Disciplinary Processes | Processing staff who suggest this is a bad idea | 12,000 |
| SUBTOTAL - HR & Staff | 242,000 | |
| Line Item | Justification | Amount (£) |
|---|---|---|
| Appeal Loss Contingency | Additional costs when we inevitably lose | 125,000 |
| Second Appeal Preparation | Because we might double down again | 95,000 |
| Parliamentary Inquiry Response | Answering awkward questions from MPs | 38,000 |
| Freedom of Information Requests | Processing requests for documents showing our logic | 22,000 |
| Dignity Recovery Fund | Attempting to restore institutional dignity (impossible) | 0 |
| Note: Dignity deemed unrecoverable. Budget allocation would be wasteful. | ||
| SUBTOTAL - Contingency | 280,000 | |
| Cost Center | Amount (£) |
|---|---|
| Legal Costs | 285,500 |
| Communications & Reputation Management | 590,500 |
| Stakeholder Management | 45,000 |
| Unintended Consequences | 810,000 |
| Human Resources & Staff Welfare | 242,000 |
| Contingency & Risk | 280,000 |
| TOTAL BUDGET REQUEST | £1,847,500 |
| Metric | Target | Actual Expected |
|---|---|---|
| Legal Victory | 100% | 15% |
| Institutional Credibility | Maintained | Destroyed |
| Public Support | Positive | Universally Negative |
| International Reputation | Enhanced | Laughingstock |
| Staff Morale | High | Catastrophic |
| Kneecap's Career | Diminished | Skyrocketing |
| Cost-Benefit Ratio | Positive | -100% |
Primary Risk: Complete and utter failure
Likelihood: Almost Certain
Impact: Catastrophic
Mitigation Strategy: Proceed anyway with maximum confidence
Fallback Plan: None. We're all in.
| Option | Cost | Outcome | Status |
|---|---|---|---|
| Withdraw Appeal | £0 | Dignity preserved, sensible decision | REJECTED |
| Accept Chief Magistrate's Ruling | £0 | Judicial independence respected | REJECTED |
| Consult External Experts | £15,000 | Informed decision-making | REJECTED |
| Apply Common Sense | £0 | Reasonable outcome | REJECTED |
| Proceed Regardless | £1,847,500 | Institutional embarrassment guaranteed | APPROVED ✓ |
Budget Committee Recommendation: APPROVE FULL BUDGET
Rationale: We've come too far to back down now. Sunk cost fallacy demands we continue throwing good money after bad.
Strategic Value: Demonstrates institutional commitment to being spectacularly wrong with unwavering confidence.
Long-term Impact: Will be used as cautionary tale in public administration courses for decades.
The undersigned approve this budget allocation for the Mó Chara appeal, acknowledging that all financial projections indicate catastrophic loss and that proceeding represents poor judgment at every level.
Approved By:
Director of Public Prosecutions
Date: 08/10/2025
"Money well spent on institutional humiliation"
Financial Controller:
Chief Financial Officer
Date: 08/10/2025
"Against my advice, but approved"